Saturday, April 30, 2011

Letter To Texas Governor Rick Perry

Dear Governor Perry,
We saw your interview on the news last night and frankly we were surprised by your comments.
The reporter was asking you about the wildfires that have destroyed over 2 million acres of your fine state.  In your response you criticized the federal government’s “failure to provide the assistance that your state needs in this time of crisis.”  “It’s funny, you said, they take care of Alabama but do nothing for Texas.”  Wow!  Were you really complaining that you and your constituents were not being properly cared for by the federal government?  That is so unlike you!
After all, are you not the same Governor Perry who over the past two years campaigned against “big government and its interference into the lives of Texans?”  Are you not the same Governor Perry who ridiculed the “nanny state that we have become?”  Are you not the same Governor Perry who said that the only federal government you wanted was “one small enough to drown in the bathtub.”  And are you not the same Governor Perry who threatened to “secede from the union if the feds didn’t quit meddling in your state affairs?”  We are pretty certain that was you.
We are also certain that while you were making those hyperbolic statements you and your fellow Texans were requesting and receiving more money in federal hand outs than any other state in the union accept California.
With all due respect, Governor, you are a liar and a hypocrite.
If you and your fellow Longhorns want to leave, that’s fine.  But before you do there are a few things that you might want to consider:
-You will need to find a way to replace Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid because 70% of your constituents want them left just the way they are. 
-You will need to find a way to make sure that the water you drink and the air you breathe is safe.   The air will get a bit murky what with all the pickup trucks and oil wells.
-And don’t forget the prescriptions.  You’ll have to figure out how to make certain they are safe as well. 
-Food safety shouldn’t be a problem because ya’all hunt. 
-And you probably won’t need any cops because ya’all got guns.  You Texans do like your guns…yesssir, you do.   
-Your folks will have to pay for their own education; but you can figure that out later.
-And you will have to build toll booths on all of your interstates because that is the only way you will be able to afford the repairs.  We can’t figure out how you’ll maintain the surface streets…but dirt roads aren’t so bad and you don’t need to fix them.
-You will have to figure out how to replace the EPA and FEMA because those oil guys can be sloppy at times.
-You’ll be able to build a fine wall to keep out all those pesky Mexicans and you’ll be able send the ones you already have back home.  But then we’re not sure who will pick your crops, muck your stalls or mend your fences.
-Life will be so much simpler because you can do away with unemployment benefits, the welfare department, housing and urban development, Planned Parenthood and all those other irritating social programs that just make folks lazy.  Of course all of those folks will need jobs.  Hmmm!  Maybe you can just send them packing with the Mexicans.
-And you won’t have to establish a military because, well, ya’all got guns…yessir you do.
So go ahead and leave Governor Perry; and take those foolish enough to have elected you as well.  But before you go hand over the “Take Care of Me” hotline number that you have so frequently dialed in the past.  The big, bad federal government won't be taking your calls any more.

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